life and love - the love

so long astoria

2009-09-14T04:35:08Z

I love being able to look back on life and smile. To scroll through my pictures and remember great stories and great times. From goofy band picture with guys I haven't seen in years, to family pictures. I am truly blessed to be where I am. I am glad I have this support, today is overwelming. My future is riding on an application I am putting off, b/c then my life will depend on an interview, and then my life will depend on a letter. I am playing the part an a play that has been performed so many times before. I am but a male for the love story, but a president for another year of some organization that will not know me when I walk out the door. But in my mind stories will always live. I remember hanging out at Aaron's not worrying about tomorrow, getting into Katie's car and turning up the radio. Spending 20 hours a week with my group of friends. Now we have gone our ways, some are farther than others. Some are mothers, some are working, some are graduated, some are sitting in my shoes. I will never see some of many of my closest friends ever again. I may never know someone as well as I knew them at that point in time. I will carve a path taken by none other. I will play many different parts. I will be the best possible person I can be. I will help those in need. I will love those around me. I will aim for the top and hit some where close.

Maybe I'm not cut out to be.

2009-02-25T06:35:38Z

Is being in a fraternity going to be worth all of this BS? I enjoy most of the stuff I do. It makes me feel like a part of something bigger, I have fun, and for the most part the people are great. There are although a group of 5 guys who ruin it all for me. They are DB's for no reason. I don't see why I need the approval of every member. I'm never going to associate with them once I am a brother. Idk, maybe I just don't fit in there. After all, I think I would be the only non-hardcore republican. (I know weird, but it's a religious (in principle) fraternity). Maybe there are some obstacles I cannot over come. maybe it's not even worth the time I'm putting into it. The whole problem must be stemming from a need for acceptance, and my inability to figure out why these particular people cannot accept me.

As for the rest of life. Joining a couple more resume builders. trying to plan out my summer. I need a pharmacy job, I want to take EMT classes or physics at IUPUI, I want to have fun, I want to save money, I need to take time for my relationships with my parents. Some of this will not get done, I just don't know what. I feel my life being so dictated by acceptance requirements. Everything is in terms of how will it help my resume. Remember the days of riding your bike around town to friends houses. Wasting the days playing star fox and halo. Too bad I can't put the ability to beat mario on NES in less than half an hour on my resume.

What's around the corner? Wish I knew.

Insecurities may be getting the best of me. Or this Monster that is keeping me up half the night.

Be comfortable with yourself! take responsibility for your actions! quit acting like I am infalible! I can't handle it.

Will I always be the nice guy? the one who comforts the hurting. Who will always answer your call or txt, chat to you about whatever interests you, whatever you like. Never getting around to what's going on with me. Will I ever put myself ahead of others. I know I do, but given the situation, I always put others ahead of myself.

Some day I will post some happy thought on LJ, some day.

a day with a glaze

2008-12-19T08:04:12Z

Idk, I just don't

how do you make life enjoyable?

2008-11-13T01:44:05Z

Nothing is cheering me up tonight.
The weather is screaming sadness.
the trees are shedding their joy.
I am here in an off white prison.
solving the problems already solved.
Something scream an answer
give me something to try.
something to reach for
There's nothing to look forward to
No comfort to seek.
just questions
uneasiness
awkward glances
fake smiles to family
what a future

An honest, asshole

2008-10-06T05:05:39Z

Tonight I started playing my bass. I felt connected to anyone I ever played it with or around. It was amazing. I miss having a family friends around me all of the time.

2 years gone by

2008-02-06T04:09:54Z

Febuary is an interesting month. It is the shortest by all standards, but jam packed with events both in holiday form and personal history.

Is it bad that I don't remember exact dates? I mean I just don't, unless it's just huge. I remember, "oh that was winter of sophmore year", but not yeah june 20th 2007 (that one I do :)) but idk should I try to? hmm... I just don't know

Alot has changed, but alot hasn't. I'm still me, I don't regret my decisions. I enjoy life alot more than I used to, but I don't feel as much deep connection with others. I thinkk this is because I've become content with my relationships with peopl that I know. I know their flaws, their issues and I don't seem to want much more. I wish I had that BFF or that person you always go to that isn't your significant other.

I'm so burnt out on school and band. I'll make it to the end of the school year, I just hope I don't ruin all of the work I've put into highschool and band.

I might have some solo's for issma state quals. I've never had one before and they are alittle out of range, so that should be fun.

My old friend

2008-01-24T02:48:17Z

While most of the world has given up on live journal. I am coming back to it. those other sites have their perks, but they are filled with superficial friends and people who have nothing better to do but to tell the world what I posted. LJ appears to now have a better crowd.

The winter always seems kind of down. It's cold outside, I don't get much exercise, everyone is sick, and everyone seems rather bitchy. That last one might just be the people. You try and be nice and it comes back in your face. Some people don't get it I guess. Life seems so surface right now. I don't know how much effort to put into particular friendships, knowing that in 7 months I will probably forget about them unless brought up in a conversation. I fear that I will be easily replaced in every aspect and I'll be that guy that comes back from college and everyone goes hey there's so and so oh well, and goes about their day. I feel like I have little going for me at the moment, but that I will go much farther than others in the future. but really how far you go in life is based on perspective. the mechanic who finally got his own shop and did decently for himself will say he went far, but the big shot banker who comes in for a tire rotation will think, "I am so much better than him, I he needs to get this done I have stuff to do." So maybe life is all about perspective. In that case a positive outlook will go a far way, so that is what I'll keep.

I have found myself few people I can actually talk to about things. No one around me can keep their mouth shut. I have a problem telling Sarah that. How horrible is it to tell someone that, duh you can't tell your best friend that she'll blab it all over the place" I have come to terms to the fact that I shouldn't trust people and I'm pretty good at calling out whether or not you should early in a relationship. That is why I'm reserved actually giving out details. B/c I can't trust my own friends not to tell people why should a trust an unclose friend. Is that right?

The next couple of months are going to be a real challenge. I'm going to have a large homework load, coupled with 2 ap tests. I have indoor which takes up 3 afternoons a week + saturdays + 2 weekends that it will take up sat. and sun. + a thur-sat contest that will eat class time, free time, and my chance to go to prom. Yes I know prom is lame but still it goes in the list. Then once that is over in the past we would have had a break, but Mr. A took care of that with atleast 2 more Saturdays being eaten up after that. Where am I going to find time to relax, time to have fun, time to do something I'll remember for the rest of my life.

This summer I need to do something awesome. I'm going on a cruise that will be fun. I might get to go to Australia, if that happens I'm going to be extatic. My other plans include a part time job somewhere hopefully a pharmacy or somewhere fun and getting in shape. The more in shape I am going in to college the more apt I am to stay that way.

Those are my thoughts for the day.

don't judge a blog by it's title

2007-05-11T01:51:10Z

I wish I had a hint, something to give me some type of idea. I feel like I am living in a place of unknowingness, and maybe I should know, but I don't. I'm torn.

In better spirits, I think this summer is going to be great

remember the soldier, the first one to fall

2007-05-07T04:04:28Z

I won't be remembered, My actions will slowly fall from what little glory they will have. In due time I will be a name on a plaque, or a signature here, or a story over there. But I will stand up for my beliefs, and I will help others stand up for theirs, that's all I need in life.

higher understanding

2007-04-27T02:42:51Z

Tonight was an amazing night for me as a person. I was faced with the widest range or positions, social places, old friends, old situations coming back up (that I had forgot about), and through it I've found myself alittle bit more. The BLT meeting went 1000x better then what I had expected, I actually had fun, which I dont know if I would have said in the past. I think it's going to be a good year. I also found myself trying to get others involved in atleast the BLT meetings and trying to mentor them I guess. Then after we filled out our paper about info and questions there was a not a teacher reference section so I filled it out blah blah blah. Then about half way through the meeting Sean came up to me and said he had put me as his reference, and I found that amazing that he feels I know him that well and we are that close, or maybe he just couldn't think of anyone. Either way it was very moving to me. Then I left practice and went to Starbucks and met up with some old friends, all of them are choosing very different paths in life then what I am, yet we have a connection, that has lasted past many differences, and obstacles. Then I came home and tried to add someone on facebook, and they still have a grudge about something I said 2 years ago that wasn't meant to hurt, but it did, and this person is still bitter about it. I'm sorry. I guess that's why you need to watch what you say.

I'm sorry if I didn't do the right thing when she was crying. I felt the overwelming urge to help, but I didn't know how, and I didn't know if it was my place, so I refrained, I don't really know if that was what I should have done. I guess thats an example of mind versus emotions. Everything we talked about tonight seemed to imediatly have an example and make sense.

Wow. this was truelly an amazing day

Bringing back the LJ

2007-04-26T02:17:35Z

Why not. I think the people who I want to see this still use this, so we'll see.

I'm alittle lost
I'm alot scared
I've never been truely scared in my life

The future, mostly the next year seams overwelming. My last shows, My last classes, My list highschool memories, It'll all go by so fast.

"Love is what i got i got i got"

p.s. if you still check lj hit me up with a comment.

another thanksgiving post i know what a drag

2005-11-25T07:03:41Z

this thanksgiving went alot better then usual. I went to both my moms side and my dads sides festivitys. ate at both had fun at both played some killer yatzhee wich my mom beat me in did a incredibly hard word scramble with my cousins looked at ads for hours on end, picked out some xmas stuff, yeah pretty good time, but as we all know my dad likes to one up me so heres what he did.

gets my grandma drunk right before everyone comes over for thanksgiving she couldnt stand up and talk at the same time. then he leaves to come get me before most of the people come over so they have to deal with her. p.s. you should get your grandma drunk its hilarious.

2 a.m. nuf said

two skinny dorks

2005-11-16T03:25:30Z

compromise

here i stand with my wounds open wide

come inside

i hope you like what you see

cause its just me

what you see is what you get

so don't forget

if i am not what you need

turn out the light

don't leave a note by my bed

just walk away and never turn your head

i will never be

anything but me

if i am not good enough

let me be, i will not laugh, i will not cry

i will not to beg you not to say goodbye

i will not compromise

i got more love than you need

for you i would bleed

and i love you for everything inside of you

and that so true

i'm asking for you to love me

for just me

if i am not what you dreamed

turn out the light

don't leave a note by my bed

just walk away and never turn your head

i will never be

anything but me

if i am not good enough

let me be, i will not laugh, i will not cry

i will not to beg you not to say goodbye

i will not compromise

if there is something that you want in me

you will never change me

you ain't ever going to make me see

i am not blind

i think you will find

you should leave me behind.

if i am not what you need

turn out the light

don't leave a note by my bed

just walk away and never turn your head

i will never be

anything but me

if i am not good enough

let me be, i will not laugh, i will not cry

i will not to beg you not to say goodbye

i will not compromise

Il ai Non!

2005-11-10T01:53:59Z

sorry for the lack of updating, its not that i dont have anything to update about. i've just been alittle out of it. I feel really discontent for some reason, i cant pin point it, but i have an idea and i hope it helps. i can't stand all this down time i feel like i should be doing something acomplishing something, but i dont have a car or anything to do really set in stone so i find myself sitting infront of the computer or telivision wasting time. I have no idea how people make it not doing anything like after school wise.

i hope it'll help explain me more

grrrr....

2005-11-06T19:41:36Z

yesterday was a good time. went and saw the marching hundred and the IU football game. they lost but like i care about football. after the game i went out to eat with jesse's family. i dont remember what the place was called but they food was amazing. then i came home and chilled.

why does it upste me?
why doesnt it upset others?

can you say emerson this week? i hope so

the work paid off in the end now lets work harder

2005-10-20T00:17:29Z

this week is dragging on like no other, maybe its b/c im phyched for saturday im not too sure. the stand still today was ok. there was a guy like right behind natalie trying to make fun of her it amuzed me. english class is officially gonna suck until thanksgiving.

come on guys 3 more great rehersals we've acomplished our goal now lets excede it. personally i want to make this show the best it can be, having no doubt that we deserved every each of astro turf we march on and every tear that fall from our eyes.

you mean more to me then you think.

for your rebuttle sir

2005-10-09T19:45:31Z

check out my myspace for my update i forgot to copy and paste and im too lazy to go back now. soccer season is done for jv we finished 6-5-3 undeafeted in confrence. the team was a ton better then last year. murphey is no more. although he shows up to all of the games any ways. stay classy g-town

when i say it i mean it, i wont hide anything. im ok means im ok

boredom

2005-10-09T19:41:55Z

the air is getting colder
the wind is after us all
but everytime i look over my should
everyone is saying fall

walnuts are falling
attacking my house
winter is calling
so run in the house

the heaters broken
wrap up with a blanket
it only costs a token
dont forget to take it

update you say?

2005-09-27T00:22:08Z

wow havent been on here in awhile. hope everyone one is havin a good time with life. so it finally smells like fall/ marching season in the air, and i love it. fall rocks although its usually nasty outside and in a week or 2 i wont be able to park in my own drive way thanx to riley days.

Toga, Toga, Toga - people in french 2 you get it.

do you bite your thumb at me?

shakespeare i dispise you so

heres an update

2005-09-17T05:59:48Z

sorry about the lack of updating my pc is only working about half the time, this has been going on for about a week. today was long and semi boring but it had its moments. i love getting to talk to katie so much, its always entertaining and we always gain a crowd. steak n shake was fun too and katie what you told me is still grossing me out.

another song that reminds me of you

abby gain a couple pounds? not bennent or however you spell her name

i feel like im missing out on something that isnt there and it bothers me

uh oh what did katie tell her to do...

2005-09-14T03:52:24Z

great day, even tho it had its down points
the test in topics was alittle harder then i expected, but i think i did alright. in algebra 2 i had to sing "row row row your boat" to the class b/c i forgot to turn my homework in last time. let me add it was beautiful. band was ok, im not the biggest fan of basics for 2 hours.

clarissa your amazing, never forget it

mary, we should hang out so you get all the info left out in this *cough* sunday *cough*

i have a friend on myspace who marched cavies, random i know

i wish more people had common sense and didnt need things repeated 300 times and still mess it up, or maybe they could just FOCUS

good luck varsity girls 2morrow!

actually i do have pizza roles

2005-09-12T02:18:36Z

today was laid back wich was nice since im usually running around doing something. youth group interesting we went on a scavenger hunt and we had to ask people for items and this old guy didnt even let us get to the door before he told us to go away. oh and my team won, so we got a big bag of candy but someone *cough *cough got the bag and decided she would share it with everyone and decided what everyone got. besides that very awesome got to hang out with mary and got a ride home from my big sis, and her friend who when i told him my mom went to the grocerie asked if she was getting pizza roles WEIRD!

"running against the wind"

we're closer then you think when we're apart

2005-09-11T06:31:24Z

contest day= exausted, but its all good it was an awesome day. practice was really good, some things were faustrating but i think i expect mroe out of some people then i should. uniforms either went well or everyone went to lydia with their problems wich works too! lots of good stories and good times i wont bore you with on here. after the contest i went out to steak n' shake very yummy and filled me up.

nice job guys!

i need to start using my other lj more i think ill write some 2morrow and post them cause im cool like that ;)

peace, you are amazing

i feel dumb at the moment, yeah i know i should feel like this all the time right?

2005-09-08T01:53:22Z

so i was effing tired today and i dont think my mind actually took in anything at school until gym (4th block) then i woke up alittle. so if i was mean or in a bad mood in the morning im sorry i dont remember it to well. practice was alright got some goalie practice in might play some for the MV game 2morrow. the girls game was good really worked our keeper today. we won 6-0, and i saw the fam. pretty good day im still really tired and need to get some sleep tonight so im gonna go work on my french and take notes for english.

peace-if your mellow
love- if its your style
no dope- if you need to be told

you will see the story
guess it made the front page
not much happening in this little town
just old friends coming back to say hello
they smile and nod and say what they can
holding back what everyone is wondering
but the front page will tell the story
or so we think
the reporter will pat himself on the back
and the people will go on believing what they are told

deathbytuba @ 2005-09-03T21:31:00

2005-09-04T02:39:52Z

today was rather boring hung around at home till my dad came around one then most of my dads family came to my grandmas for a cook out. even my cousin kyla (sp) that i havent seen since like spring break of 7nth grade. she had a baby about 3 weeks ago, im gonna torture that kid just b/c kyla always tortured me when i was a kid. lol She still calls me shafter too. i think i should go by my middle name from now on.
i also had some intense soccer with my cousins husband he's 21 i think and he's from the middle east where soccer isnt a game its a life style lol he was pretty good but we were playing in bare feet and everytime one of tried to turn or stop suddenly they fell.

dont be afraid to speak your mind
dont stay silent
when you have something to say
if you know what you want
take it
the world is yours for the having
dont let things get you down
its not worth it in the long run
and remember
"live it up when your goin down"